A Retouch, Polishing Anger

"Sana mi magsama ulit tayo no? Alam ko kung magkakasma tayo babawi ako sayo, ipaparamdam ko n yung mga bagay bagay n hndi ko napramdam sayo... kung mabbgyan lng ako ng pagkakataon mi il make thngs right this time..."

What's up? Still consumed by your illusion that I have the smallest brain to say "hello" to your "hi"? Your "hello" is a little too soon. It is infuriating, too proud, too insensitive, SICK, in fact. You feel alone? I don't know how you are playing this game anymore. You must know that your misfortunes are food to my soul. But then I can't show you my anger and disgust!!! Well, I'm a work in progress. Soon, I will be your ultimate picture of wrath and loathing.

I hate to reminisce that I was one of your five boyfriends who you juggled for different reasons--money, company, crying shoulders and money... and money. It was one of my many sacrifices but, I guess you will never understand that. You have beaten me up. You have, countless of times, disrespected me. You cursed at me. You hated me for trivial things you thought epic--I came home late, I spilled Sprite on the back seat, I frowned because I was tired... I did not deserve that night. Your punches... and kicks... and swearing... and slaps... and that cold blade of a knife on my neck... They are engraved in my soul, so deep no bark can erase.

Don't come back, Ghost. Not now and not ever.

So let me tell you this, MY HATE FOR YOU HAS FILLED ALL THE VOID THAT WERE CREATED BY YOUR LOVE. BYE!

Hey Ghost

"Sana mi magsama ulit tayo no? Alam ko kung magkakasma tayo babawi ako sayo, ipaparamdam ko n yung mga bagay bagay n hndi ko napramdam sayo... kung mabbgyan lng ako ng pagkakataon mi il make thngs right this time..."

What's up? Still not sick and tired of the bad relationship that we had? Why say "hello" this soon? Now all of the sudden you feel alone? The last time I checked, we were five blokes when we started. I sacrificed for one good year, and I was beaten up, and cursed at, and punished for trivial things you thought epic -- I went home late. I spilled Sprite on the back seat. I frowned because I was tired. And countless more instances. I cry everytime I picture myself helplessly receving those angry fists that night.

I didn't think that this day could ever come. I can close your messages instantly and never think about them again. I guess moving on is real all along. You move on now Ghost. Have a life. Be happy now that I am gone.

I never have told you this, and let me tell you now... I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

Love The Way You Lie (Feat. Rihanna)
Recovery
Eminem

Sweet Messaging Service

12:30 pm. In the middle of my job application. I finally decided to text you. I was waiting for your text the whole morning.

Paul: Hey Hon.

Sent. 2 messages received when I exited from my message editor.

1st Message
Athony: How’s my Honey?

2nd Message
Anthony: Hon. I just sent you a message. Hehehe.
Paul: How sweet. We were thinking of each other at the same time. Did you eat yet?
Anthony: Not yet Hon. I'm getting somebody to cook lunch.
Paul: What's for lunch?
Anthony: Beef loaf.
Paul: Oh no! Next time I'll cook for you. I will make sure that you will eat only delicious meal all the time.

Anthony: Like gourmet kisses, sizzling hugs... and what else?

I decided to focus on my grammar test. I might run out of time. So I placed my phone on the side.

Inside the cab on my way home I checked my messages. One of them was yours. I smiled and replied.

Paul: and bottomless care.

Honey, Honey
Mamma Mia! The Movie Soundtrack
Amanda Seyfried, Ashley Lilley, Rachel McDowell

Definitely

After a good three months of intermittent SMS correspondence.

We were inside your car, driving around town. We were trying a conversation. It was neither spontaneous, nor I would say smooth. A couple sticks of Marlboro. Smoke outside the window. Asking any questions that were readily available in our heads. Filling the gaps of awkward silence. So you are studying Law, you’re 25, I’m 26. The last relationship that you had was a year ago, mine, just recently, March?

“So this is me.” I looked at the lit window on the second floor which was my room’s. So you modestly peeked.

“Thank you.” I yanked the latch to open the door. I noticed your right hand on the shifter. Then it grew slowly into your arm, then your white shirt, then your face. I smiled. No words came into my head. Then in the dim light, I wasn’t sure if you tried to close your eyes. Then I thought they were. Inside of me, I thought I can’t just end this night with that crappy conversation that we had. But with only so much time that we had left, I thought I might just step out of the car and just forget about you tonight and just remember you when we meet again.

You never said anything too. You were just giving me your smile, showing your perfect teeth. Very courteous, just appropriate. Then one more look, something changed in your face. Right your eyes were half closed and your lips were puckered. There was a little surprise, an exciting one. It never took me any second to guess what was going on. “Oh!” I said. Damn I should have worn my little black dress and my Manolos. Yes you were asking for a kiss. I closed my eyes too. I trusted the darkness to lead my lips to meet yours. And they did. That soft kiss. It was short but definitely sweet.

I tried to be casual. I said, “I’ll see you next time.” Your left hand on the steering wheel, your right hand on the shifter, you are looking straight at me, that was my last picture of you, then you said, “Definitely.”

Crush
Glee: The Music, Volume 2
Leah Michelle, Glee Cast

Hey Ex-Lover

“Mi wag mo muna ako itxt kasi parang plagi nlang ganto ang txt natin eh... Dba? Nkkpgod na, nakakasawa... Itxt mo nlang ako kung nasa airport kana at magpapasundo k sakin dala ang mga gamit mo... Pra maayos ko ang higaan at bahay s pagdating mo... Ksi nakakpgod n ang puro salita... Dba? Kung tlgang gusto ggwin lahat ngpraan gagawing pwede ang hndi, tama ang mali... Kahit imposible kakayanin... Sge matutulog nako kakatpos ko palang kumain, s katapusan ala n kmi dto s unit... May ilang arw pa pra itama ang mga bagay bagay... Ituloy yung naputol, balikan yung iniwan... Kung hndi namn... Ganun tlga... Pra mkapag move on n ng maayos... Bye 4 now mi... Sleep nko tlaga”

So it's really over now, isn't it? Now you are done with your begging, I guess. Done with your crying. Done with your spites. You're done. I'm surprised why I'm hurting. I guess it's self inflicted. I always enjoy the role of the victim in any situation I involved myself into. I guess it's my perverted nature, trying to become good. Thus I'm bad, to the bones.

So I cried. Knowing that you could really be gone forever. It's not easy letting go of memories that already stuck deep beyond skin. Nobody laughs while bikini waxed. They all whimper. So I guess this is it now, huh?!

I had to leave, yes, I did. But I never had to deal with a total loss. Distance in space is not distance in affection. Despite islands and water, you stayed in my hand, professing your love in a beep. I still knew that I had you.

My coldness. It beat you up like how you beat me up. Made your pride deaf for a day, made your ego limp for two good days. Did your knee shake? I bet your heart fell off 19 times, like the 19 flights of stairs that I climbed down. Fearful. Determined to escape the blade that was in your hand.

A detour was all I needed. Somewhere, anywhere but not going back. I didn't care about certainty, at that point nothing was certain anyway. So I packed, left my job, left my friends, killed my dreams.

You've always been your manipulative, emotional blackmailing self. Change? You don't have the right to ever use that word. Now you tell me that you changed? As if it were the first time.

Don't blame me if I denied you of another chance. There were many chances wasted. I guess time wasted too. I will never let you in anymore. This facade? This is six months in the making and this facade cost me my twenty eight thousand pay check, so don't screw this anymore.

Yes. Facade. Because I am not heartless, that's where you failed the most. You did not melt my heart to stone. Inside, like a wall, is a brittle composition of sand. So don't threat me with deadlines, because the line has been drawn by my distance.

You know what I feared? Was if you showed me that you loved me more than anyone and anything. If you sacrificed huge. If you came and stayed with me here. If you asked my Mom for forgiveness. If you made yourself look stupid and pathetic. If you made me see that your life couldn't go on without me. If you sent and picked me up everyday from work. If you’ve let me sleep in your arms without any demands. If you kissed me when I needed it. If you embraced me when I felt weak. If you knew me, more than I knew myself. If you provided with me safety and not danger. If you told me, how you felt, while you looked into my eyes with so much longingness and sincerity, and you didn’t looked away and still watched me until I fell to sleep. But they never came.

So I will let myself whine again, sad again and cry again. Because after this short transition, my tears won't be for you no more.