Done (10.30.2009)

My heart never got tired. My eyes were red, my mouth was dry, my chest was heavy.
We've gotten into another fight last night. He blew cuss after cuss, hurt like bullet down to my soul. Anger, the only shield available. It wrapped me, until I was feverish, red like flame. It blocked some of my senses. I was driven by my pride and self-preservation.

Earlier, I was "done" and later I was "wait, I'm sorry, please let us work it out." No braveness nor a tad of pride have lifted my weary and defeated spirit. I was down on my knees despite distance and walls, consumed by desperation. Crying all my regrets.

I said things that I don't mean and now I'm paying its price. He said, he is done.

Ondoy

I watched the morning news today and so far, there were 73 casualties, mostly children due to typhoon Ondoy.

I woke up one Saturday morning, immediately noticed the howling of the strong wind outside and the hard rain smashing through our window. I took a glance of the surroundings, and from our veranda was Makati City under water. Long lines of stuck vehicles occupied the South Super Highway, the city was dead that day.

I thought, nobody really expected this severeness.

Let us all offer our prayers to all the victims of this calamity, to the souls of those who had not survived the flood, to those who have lost their loved ones, to those who are still stranded and in need of help, to the souls of those who have gave up on hope and to those who are still holding on.

You can give your donations by clicking on these links:

Bayanihan Fund Drive: Donate to Ondoy Flood Victims

THE PHILIPPINE NATIONAL RED CROSS

abs-cbnNEWS.com

GMANewsTV

The Battle

I will be happy. I should know that. I'm sure he is not the only person, capable of causing me happiness. I'm sure that there are other better guys who could make me happier.

It's just painful, even just the thought of leaving. I always see his face and the days that I will not have with him if I leave. And everytime he is in my head, it becomes very difficult to bear.

He's been trying to put up a very pleasant facade for over 3 days now, but it's pleasantly annoying and pleasantly empty and it's killing me. He has turned into this Stepford Wife soul-less mannequin.

What did I do? He got up early on Sunday, he went out to have the car battery re-charged. His sister and I woke up late. I bought food for us, I texted him. His sister and I finished the eggplant and the chop-suey and what left was the pork. He cried, he felt that I had him eat our left over. If I'm not around, he said he keeps food for me before they eat.

You see, I was all ready and unafraid of the thought of leaving. But now it's different. The desire for his forgivenss, despite how his reaction have blown out of proportion, is more powerful than my desire for emancipation.

I guess being strong is mind over desire. I guess this is the right battle that I should focus on right now. I need to love myself more and take care of myself more. It is selfish, but I think the universe says it's right. It's me against the universe for quite sometime anyway.

I went to a party a couple of weeks ago and a complete stranger told me this, "Don't listen to your heart, it is a liar." I don't get this, but I wanna give it a shot.

Battlefield
Jordin Sparks

Smoothie

6 months. Dilemma.

I don't know where my anger is coming from. I don't know if they are even valid. I keep on complaining and keep on going back. It doesn't stop.

Am I angry because of my pride? Am I frustrated because I want more?

It doesn't end. I want it to end but extremely incapable of putting it an end. Love.

What do I want? I want to stop thinking about him, to stop wanting him, to stop missing him. Or, think less about him, want him less, miss him less. It can continue, but I want him to occupy lesser part of my thoughts, and lesser part of my desire.

My brain speaks up sometimes, if this heart is angry. But this heart rules most of the time, and this brain just stops working.

Where is the challenge here? Is it making your brain overpower your stubborn heart? Or, is it dealing with your angry heart well, so no evil shall take over the brain?

Though, there is a lost Me. The Me is so repressed. Fear stifled it. Did he lose some of his Me too? If lovers are like fruits in a smoothie, they should well blended. One fruit can lose some of its original characteristics, like its color as well as the other fruit should lose some of its characteristics, like its sourness. Both fruits should blend well to be called as the a fruit and b fruit smoothie. Add some milk and some sugar, roll with the blade for some time, and it should be perfect.

It is a Disorder

I don't know where I am right now. I'm confused.

I'm torn. Should I leave or should I stay? If I leave, I feel emancipation. I see new clothes, I see Saturday nights, I see my DVD's, I see my TV set infront of me, no a/c, just a fan, but I am absolutely umhampered to satisfy what I want to do. But I think it is selfish. To leave a mess, leave behind a person, and totally forget about the "us" and just be "me" again. It's the guilt that is holding me back. As well as dreams, our dreams.

But if I stay. I see stress, uncertainty, hurt, tears, a lot of patience. Empty closet, sacrifices, household chores, massage every night, get me this, get me that. Don't expect anything in return, just wait for what he'll provide, be content with what you have. Self-pity, selflessness, empty pocket, obligations, be careful, don't lie on the sofa, don't touch the wall it might get dirty, don't push the chairs too close to the wall, missing boyfriend, no right to be mad. No license to be sad nor wear a sad face. No time to be upset, it is prohibited. He is the boss, I am his acessory. I am part of him, and he is never part of me. Reproach, anger, hate, fights.

I might be subjective, because I am unhappy. Unhappy but still trying to hold on.

I am in a relationship made in frail faith. Might be, could be, what if. Love is a disorder. It is a psychological condition that makes a person stupid, incapable to believe the rationalness.